Freudian Slip
by S.miyuki
Summary: A slip of tongue wasn't a big deal. Normally. But when you were Heiwajima Shizuo and you happened to yell it to Orihara Izaya in front of half Ikebukuro… well it was a completely different matter. Shizaya.


**Freudian slip**

**Pairing: Shizaya... sort of? Hm maybe pre-Slash ^^**

**Rating:**** T (****to be safe)**

**Diclaimer : I do not own Shizuo, Izaya or any Durarara characters! They all belong to Narita Ryogo.**

**Warning: Swearing (a lot), Shizuo being Shizuo, Izaya trolling and weird breaklines**

**Note: Damn ffnet for eating all my formating! I swear I spent more time formating and re-formating this fic than actually writing it! -_-" **

**I apologize for the poor grammar and typos as English isn't my first language and I can't seem to find an English-speaking Beta anywhere. **

**So without further ado... **

**Enjoy! **

* * *

** CHATROOM **

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_No one is in the chatroom right now…_

_No one is in the chatroom right now…_

_Saika-san has joined the chat._

_._

_Saika_: Good evening… Oh? Nobody's online yet?

_._

_Tanaka Taro-san has joined the chat._

_Setton-san has joined the chat._

_._

_Setton: _Hi!

_Tanaka Taro:_ Good evening, Saika-san! How was your day?

_Saika: _Hum I saw something very disturbing today…

_Setton:_ What happened? Are you okay?

_Saika:_ Y-yes I'm fine… Well, actually it's about Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya…

_Setton:_ E-eh? Really?! Do tell!

_Saika:_ They were seen _kissing_ in the middle of the street two hours ago!

_Tanaka Taro:_ (∑(O_O；)

_Setton:_ W-what?! You must be joking Saika-san, there's no way that something like that would happen… I mean they _hate_ each other!

_Saika:_ I'm sorry!

_Tanaka Taro:_ Why are you apologizing? Lol. But are you sure?

_Saika:_ Yes… You should probably check the net… I think some people took videos and photos of it.

_Setton:_ B-but…

_Kanra-san has join the chatroom. _

_Kanra: _Evening ~

_Saika: _Good evening, Kanra-san.

_Tanaka Taro: _Kanra-san!

_Setton: _Good evening.

_Kanra: _What were you talking about? (Is there any reason for that enthusiastic greeting Tanaka Taro-san?)

_Tanaka:_ Sorry…Saika-san was just telling us that apparently Heiwajima Shizuo and Orihara Izaya had kissed two hours ago.

_Kanra:_…oh?

_Tanaka Taro:_ Ah? Do you know something about that, Kanra-san?

_Kanra: _Yes… I was there too.

_Setton:_ Really?! So were they really kissing?

_Kanra:_…yes. You should probably check the net about it, if you don't believe me! Actually I'm a little disappointed not to be the one to break the new (一。一;;）

_Saika:_ I'm sorry.

_Setton:_ OMG! There are photos… A lot of them! They're really doing it! But h-how did that happen?! Do you know Saika-san?

_Saika:_ N-no… I- I just stumbled on them while they were on the middle of it, so I really don't know…

_Tanaka Taro:_ What about you, Kanra-san? Do you know?

_Kanra:_ Well, actually, yes… I was there from nearly the start… You see –

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-( ＾∇＾) Izaya &amp; Shizuo Σ (►˛◄'!) -

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Shizuo was in a particularly good mood today… Why, would you asked? Well it was pretty simple…Nobody had angered him – intentionally or not – yet, meaning no violence.

Yes, because contrarily to popular belief, Heiwajima Shizuo _hated_ violence, so in his opinion a day, in which no stop signs, postbox, vending machines, or sometimes _humans_ had been thrown, _was_ a pretty good day.

And it was already 8 pm… So if he managed to reach his apartment without losing his temper, or uprooting anything that wasn't meant to be uprooted, he would have passed a day without violence _at all_. The achievement of the month!

Of course, he should have known, that when things were going well, the universe would always send something to wreck it all… Something about bad karma and a guy named Murphy or whatever…

He froze when a familiar but unpleasant scent reached his nose.

_No…no… just my imagination… _he tried to convince himself, _I'll just ignore it and go home, and everything'll be fine… ignore it, ignore it, ignore it…_

And with his new mantra in mind and a determined gleam in his eyes, Shizuo started to walk again, slightly quicker than before though, toward his home… until he caught in his peripheral vision the sight of a fur trimmed jacket.

He inhaled deeply, closing briefly his eyes and trying to keep his temper in check.

_Okay it stinks… And okay the guy has a fur trimmed black jacket… but it doesn't mean anything… Just ignore it, ignore it, ignore it… _

Then the guy started to _skip_.

_Damn it! _

"I-ZA-YAAA!"

Before his brain had the time to process the information and try to reason him, his body had already reacted, and thrown the closest thing – which happened to be a street light – at the flea. Somehow the flea managed to dodge the not-supposed-to-be-used-as-a-weapon-until-now-street-light and turned around to face the debt collector with an annoying smirk on his face.

"Oh Shizu-chan!" the flea greeted in a fake pleasant tone, "How are you today?"

Shizuo scowled.

"Stay away from Ikebukuro, you damn flea! What the hell are you doing here, anyway?!"

The flea seemed to be able to tell that something was different today, because he blinked and asked casually, "My, my, aren't we particularly upset today? What happened, Shizu-chan?"

_You happened, damn parasite! Because of you, my peaceful day was totally spoiled! _

Shizuo gritted his teeth and uprooted a stop sign that was unfortunate enough to be nearby and swung it violently toward the flea's head. But of course the informant jumped effortlessly and gracefully out of the way.

"Oh, I see!" Izaya smirked, "Is it again one of your 'Waw I managed to pass a day without scaring the shit out of someone, yeah' day? Ha ha… It is, isn't it? How fortunate that I happened to be nearby to break your disillusion."

"Shut up!" The former bartender growled, unsuccessfully trying to hit the other man with the sign.

_No… It doesn't count, right? It's just the flea after all… Wanting to kill him is just like some kind of reflex for me, so it doesn't count. It's not violence…It's a reflex. _

"Oh my, are you in denial Shizu-chan?" The informant taunted, tilting his head curiously. "It's not healthy, you know?"

It was really creepy sometimes, when Izaya managed to read him as if he was an open book. Creepy and _so_ annoying.

_Kill, kill, kill… _

"Well, as entertaining as your poor ability to try to act like a human being is, I happened to be quite busy, so until next time ~" Izaya said waving his hand like a child, and running away.

"There won't be a next time!" Shizuo spat, running after him, swinging the stop sign in one hand, throwing random public equipment with the other and sometimes dodging the knives that were sent his way with terrific accuracy. "COME BACK HERE YOU DAMN FLEA!"

"No can do." The flea answered without looking back and once again avoiding the deadly projectile with ease, "Aren't you a little inconsistent, Shizu-chan? I thought you wanted me out of Ikebukuro, but now that I'm planning to do just that, you want me to stay here?"

_I'm going to shut that fucking smartass… going to kick his ass out of 'bukoro… kill… kill… kill…_

Shizuo took a deep breath and declared in a low and ominous voice, "I want to catch you so I can beat the shit out of you. I'm going to kick your ass so hard that you'll fly all the way back to Shinjuku!"

"Wah so scary~ You know, maybe it's because you say those kind of things that so many people are scared of you…"

_Kick his ass… Kick his ass… Kick his ass…Kick his ass… Kick his ass…_

"And whose fault do you think is that?!"

Izaya sidestepped a trash bin, turned his head slightly and blinked. "Your mouth?"

"IZAYA!" The blond roared, while picking up a parked motorbike nearby and rising it above his head.

"Wah, Shizu-chan, calm down a little, would you? You are scaring the populace…" After looking around a bit the flea added in an exasperated voice, "Well, more than usually at least…"

_Kick his ass… Kick his ass…_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Or what?" Izaya taunted, smirking. "Are you going to throw this motorbike at me, Shizu-chan, while I'm being surrounded by stupid innocent bystanders that really should have known better than staying around when the monster of Ikebukuro is going berserk?"

_"__I'M SO GOING TO –"_

_"__To what?" The brunette smirked tauntingly. _

_Kick his ass, kick his ass… kick ass… kick ass… kick ass… kickass… kickss… kikss… ki –_

"I'M GOING TO KISS YOU!"

.

(ᵒ̤̑ ₀̑ ᵒ̤̑)wow!*✰ Izaya &amp; Shizuo Σ(O_O；)Shock！！

_._

_Wait… what?! _

Shizuo froze, letting the motorbike slip from his hand and crash the road behind him with a _bam _that he completely ignored, not actually believing that those words had come out of his own mouth. The audiences seemed to have approximately the same reaction because for a short period not a noise could be heard in this full and one second ago animated street. It was as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting for the next step with morbid fascination.

Even Izaya hadn't seen that one coming! To his credit, Shizuo actually managed to make the informant stop short and turn around with an incredulous expression on his face. Well, it only lasted two seconds, but he had managed to catch him off-guard, even if it was completely unintentional!

Then the flea, damn him, managed to recompose himself, and tilted his head looking at Shizuo with clear amusement in his eyes. "Are you, now?"

_That _actually made Shizuo unfreeze. But instead of being able to deny what he just said or explain himself, or even just _talk_, it only allowed the major part of his blood to reach his cheeks in a very embarrassing Shizuo-unlike _blush_.

"I don't know what had been taught to this protozoan brain of yours, Shizu-chan, and I know it's hard to believe for you but throwing trashcans, street signs, vending machines or any dangerous and potentially deadly makeshift weapons of yours in general isn't _exactly_ the same thing as offering flowers, chocolates, love letters etc…" Izaya chirped, the obnoxious smirk of his widening with each word, "No wonder your love life is so inexistent… You should probably try the later, ne? That way your crush/target would _probably_ be able to _survive_ the encounter…or not..." The informant paused as if considering something, "_Can_ you kill someone by throwing flowers at them, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo gaped, trying to force his mouth to cooperate and come out with preferably a witted comeback, or at least an ominous threat that would hopefully restore the cosmic balance. But his mouth – that traitor – seemed to be only able to open and close regularly, making him look even more flustered than before.

But the flea, damn him again, seemed completely unfazed by Shizuo inner struggle as he continued to prattle on and on, amusement obviously leaking from his voice. "But I guess giving flowers _is_ a little bit _unconventional _for Shizu-chan, ne?" There the louse added a pure faked understanding tone in his voice, "It must be _so _hard for you (the 'poor little thing' was clearly hinted here) not to comprehend why all those people were running away from you when you only wanted to _kiss_ them! So sad ~"

Then he gasped, slowly covering his mouth with his hand, a faked dumfound expression on his face. "Oh, my… Now that I think about it… All those years, throwing stuff at me, chasing me for _hours_, you were actually trying to _woo _me, weren't you? Ha Ha! And here I never acknowledged your infatuation, how cruel of me…How could I never notice that you were _literally _showering me with affection?!"

"Wha-what the hell are you talking about, you goddamn flea, don't go spouting such nonsense!" Shizuo stammered, "I don't want to kill you, just kiss you! NO! I mean I want to kis – not kill – ki ARGH FUCK YOU!"

_Damn it! _

Sometimes Shizuo really, really, _really_ hated his stupid mouth! Of _all_ the things he _could_ have said, his stupid mouth actually choose to yell _those_ one.

"You want to… fuck me, Shizu-chan?" Izaya echoed slowly, his lips twitching upwards, obviously trying not to laugh at him, and then added with a failed straight face. "Sorry to disappoint you, Shizu-chan, but I don't usually have sex until the third date…"

And here his mouth betrayed him _again_, apparently refusing to let anything out. Except a very pitiful choking noise, along with a very visible blush that spread all over his face up to his ears, _of course_.

_Shit! I'm SO going to fucking kiss – KILL DAMNIT, him later for that!_

"Well, well that was so much more interesting that I thought it would be…" Izaya commented nonchalantly, while making a quick glance around at the flabbergasted face of the audience. "But like I said before you decided to chase me around – wait is that your protozoan-ish way of asking me out? – I'm quite busy, so ~"

Izaya waved and took a step back, clearly intending to go away but he stopped suddenly and turned around, making a contemplative face. Then he grinned mischievously.

And the next thing Shizuo saw was the flea hoping right into his comfort zone. Then he felt two arms wrapping softly around his neck and a very hot mouth lapping at his lips. His mind went completely blank when a tongue lazily licked his lips, as if asking them to let it in, making Shizuo shiver violently. He couldn't exactly tell at which point he _did_ open his mouth, welcoming the quite skillful tongue, nor when he started to kiss the flea back, but his mind actually restarted when he heard a low moan coming from somewhere. And his whole body froze at that.

Right… Why were his body and mind so uncooperative and useless tonight? Couldn't both of them _work_ at the _same time_? Was it some kind of cosmic rule that he had failed to hear? Something like 'Oh my, did I forget to tell you, Shizu-chan? Your body and mind… One of them needs to be shut down for the other to roughly be able to work…because I decided that today will be the day you'll be profusely humiliated in front of more than hundred people, isn't that _great_?' And damn it, why did this stupid 'cosmic voice' have to sound so much like the flea?

Never mind… Back at the problem: the moan. It wasn't him, right? Because even though he was being kissed by the flea it didn't mean that he was enjoying himself! Not at all and –

As suddenly as he started it, the flea broke the kiss, gasping quietly for air and looking at Shizuo's dazed face with a very satisfied smirk, before giving him a quick parting peck and leaping out of the ex-bartender's reach.

Shizuo couldn't help but follow the slow and seductive movement of Izaya's tongue licking his lips as if savoring the remains of the debt collector's taste on it. In fact, the blond was so focused on it that he nearly missed the flea's next words.

"I would have gladly asked for flowers for next time, but since I don't really like them, I'll be fine with a vending machines…" The flea winked, and added in a singsong voice, "See ya ~"

That made Shizuo snap out of his reverie and let out a threatening growl, while picking up again the discarded motorbike from before and violently throwing it at the informant.

Of course the flea bolted right out of the way and started to run away again.

"I- ZA- YAAAAAA!"

There, the witnesses of this very strange scene were finally able to breathe correctly again, muttering among themselves about what just happened.

Everyone, especially Shizuo, was very glad that the cosmic balance was finally restored, and that _both_ his mind and body were cooperating again.

"COME BACK HERE YOU DAMN FLEA!"

"Oh my, I didn't know Shizu-chan wanted to kiss me again so soon…Do you really want me that much?" Izaya giggled, as he dodged a vending machine, "You know, if you're lucky, maybe I'll reconsider my rule about waiting until the third date~"

"FUCK YOU!"

"Yeah that's the idea…"

"SHUT UP!"

Well the cosmic balance was _mostly_ restored

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＼（＾▽＾）／ CHU～✰ Izaya vs Shizuo ╰(\►﹏◄\\)╯ DIE !

_._

_Kanra: _ – and then Izaya escaped again and Shizuo ran after him. So that's it, Shizuo had apparently a crush on Izaya since seven years ago.

_Setton:_ E-eh?! Really! I would never have guess! But he is constantly throwing stuff at Izaya and saying that he hates him!

_Kanra:_ You're so naïve, Setton-san, that's actually his way to communicate and show his affection.

_Saika:_ I heard someone say that the two of them were actually already in a relationship since high school!

_Setton:_ Eh?

_Kanra:_ Well it's not impossible~ I mean maybe they are doing _things_ behind everyone's back, after all, all those tensions between them must go somewhere, ne?

_Setton:_ B-But… Then why are they constantly fighting?

_Kanra:_ Foreplay?

_Setton:_ Urk! Thank you so much for the mental image, Kanra-san.

_Kanra:_ You're quite welcome~

_Tanaka Taro:_ I just read a new post about them… Someone said that it was love at first sight and that they love each other very much and didn't want anyone to know about them and so that's why they were faking to hate each other…

_Saika:_ But why would they suddenly stop then?

_Kanra:_ Maybe they're getting married?

_Setton:_ EH?! Now, now, Kanra you're not making any sense…Two men can't get married in Japan!

_Kanra:_ Maybe they're planning to do it in the States... Two lovers, who were believed to be archenemies by everyone, forced to escape and hide in another country to be able to freely express their love…kyaa! So romantic~

_Setton:_ … but he would have told someone if he was planning to do that, right?

_Kanra: _Heiwajima Shizuo? I don't know… I heard that the Orihara Izaya was quite a creepy guy, maybe Shizuo thought that his friends wouldn't approve of him...

_Setton:_ …

_Kanra: _It's quite sad actually… I wonder how he must feel, knowing that the very few friends he had doesn't like or even approve of the love of his life... Don't you agree, Setton-san?

_Setton: _B-but surely he can understand that they are only trying to protect him, it's for his own good…

_Kanra:_ Are you sure? What rights do they have to judge him and his decisions? For all we know, maybe Izaya acts differently when he is alone with him, maybe he shows a completely different aspects of his personality that those so called friends had never seen.

_Tanaka Taro:_ Kanra-san you seem quite vehement about this…

_Kanra:_ Am I? Ah ah, sorry, it's because someone I knew was recently in this kind of situation… He was dating this girl… But she wasn't really what we could call 'proper' you know, and his friends were very worried about him… So they force him to choose between his girlfriend and them… Of course he choose his lover, but he was devastated to lose his friends after that… How sad :(

_Tanaka Taro: Poor guy…_

_Kanra: _Well getting back to the subject… I really wonder how Heiwajima Shizuo is feeling right know… And what would he do if he was forced to choose between his lover and his friends? It would be quite cruel for his very _few_ friends to make him choose right?

_Setton: _…

_Kanra: _And to know that no one of your friends support your love?! Devastating! I wouldn't be surprised if the two of them were really moving to America because of that…

_Setton: _…

_Kanra:_ Setton-san? Are you alright?

_Setton:_ Um… I'm sorry, I just remember that I have something very important to do, so I'm logging off, bye!

_Tanaka Taro:_ Good bye.

_Saika:_ Good bye, Setton-san.

_Kanra:_ Bye! ~

_._

_Setton-san has left the chat._

_._

_Saika: _I wonder what was so important…

_Tanaka Taro:_ Oh Saika-san you were quite silent for a while!

_Saika:_ Yes, sorry… I was in the bathroom. I didn't read the log yet, did I miss something?

_Tanaka Taro:_ Hum…

_Kanra:_ Ne ~ Ne~ Saika-san, what do you think about Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shizuo together? Aren't they very hoooot?

_Tanaka Taro:_ Kanra-san… That's quite （−＿−；）

_Saika: _No I don't think so… I think they are really unfitted together.

_Kanra: _Oh my… And why is that?

_Saika: _Because I think Orihara-san is a very despiteful and manipulative person… whereas Heiwajima-san is kind and righteous!

_Kanra: _… Um… you are aware that he throws vending machines and trash cans on people on daily basis, right? Which part of that is kind and righteous? But never mind that…

_Saika:_ I don't understand why Heiwajima-san would want to be with this kind of person.

_Kanra:_ Because he is in love? ~ Ah ah… just kidding, no seriously… Maybe Orihara had some blackmail materials on him, and is actually forcing him to go out with him…

_Tanaka Taro:_ Kanra-san… I don't think anyone would be able to blackmail Heiwajima-san, after all he is the strongest man in Ikebukuro!

_Kanra:_ Yeah but being strong doesn't really matter when it comes to blackmail… And from what I heard about Orihara, he seems to know all kind of things about people… isn't that creepy?! Maybe he accidentally discovered something about Heiwajima Shizuo… You know a dark little secret that he is ashamed of or a literal skeleton in his closet…

_Saika:_ Er… I'm going to log off now, I'm quite tired…

_Tanaka Taro:_ Already? 'kay, have a good night!

_Kanra:_ 'night!

_._

_Saika-san has left the chat._

_._

_Kanra: _Well, I guess I'll go as well…

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _Er… Izaya-san, what you said about you and Heiwajima-san –

_[Private mode] Kanra: _Ne, Mikado-kun, do you know what a Freudian slip is?

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro:_ A Freudian slip? I don't know… What is it?

_[Private mode] Kanra: _It's an error in speech or physical action… Let's say for example that Mister A wanted to yell 'I hate you' but instead said 'I love you' to Mister B…

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro_: But isn't that just a mistake?

_[Private mode] Kanra_: Possibly… But see… Freud theorized that such a mistake occurs because of the interference of our unconscious subdued wishes.

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _So does it mean that Mister A is in fact secretly in love with Mister B, but that he himself doesn't even know it?

_[Private mode] Kanra: _Interesting, isn't? Mister A makes a slip of tongue… He immediately considers it as a very embarrassing mistake, but a mistake nonetheless… But then he starts to wonder, ''would I really say such a thing accidentally? Is it possible that I'm actually in love with Mister B…'' And that is his downfall, because the transition from the moment where you consider if there is a possibility that you are in love with someone to actually being in love with that person will be so much smoother and easier than you thought. Ironic, isn't it? That he only realized that he is in love with Mister B because of a mistake or some mysterious unconscious wish.

But then had he not made the slip, would have he realized that he was in love at all? Probably not… So is that incorrect to say that his love started with the slip? But then was he really in love in the first place? Did he fall in love because he makes the slip? Or did he make the slip because he was in love? Ah… So complex ~

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _Hum I don't understand everything… but I don't think this kind of Freudian slips actually happen in real life, so it's probably useless to think so hard about it, Izaya-san.

_[Private mode] Kanra_: Ha ha, you're probably right.

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _So… About Heiwajima-san and you… Is that true?

_[Private mode] Kanra: _Which part?

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _Hum… everything?

_[Private mode] Kanra: _Who knows ~ Freudian slips are _so _hard to understand after all ~

_Kanra: _Well that being said, I'm going now, 'night!

_._

_Kanra-san has left the chat. _

_._

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _Huh?

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: _What do you mean?

_[Private mode] Tanaka Taro: Izaya-san! _

_._

_Tanaka Taro-san has left the chat. _

_._

_No one is in the chatroom right now…_

_No one is in the chatroom right now… _

.

.

(¬‿¬) Izaya x Shizuo (╬◣д◢)!

.

Izaya smirked as his eyes slid on the numerous forum's post and photos he could find online… Unsurprisingly enough they were all about Shizu-chan and him. Then, his eyes spotted a single word "Shizaya" and he paused.

Contrarily to that stupid and oblivious protozoan, Izaya was very much aware of their so called 'fujoshi fanbase' lead by a _certain_ Otaku girl. And as the best informant of Tokyo, he had discovered it nearly from the start, but didn't really feel the need to investigate into it, because back then the fanbase was a very recluse part of the internet and mostly because his preservation instinct had kicked back and he just _knew_ that stumbling into that _world_ was a very bad idea for his sanity. But he couldn't just _not have_ information on it, so he had drawn the line on simply knowing what "shizaya" and "izuo" mean.

It wasn't really surprising that with that kiss, the fujoshi movement has emerge out from the dark and recluse place of the online database, meaning that now Izaya couldn't just ignore it and marvel from afar on his humans strange fantasying mind. And well… Maybe he was _slightly _curious about what they were all going on about.

So… click. And…

Izaya's eyes widened slightly as they jump on a lot of different pages. Fanfictions… Doujinshi… Fanarts….Community dedicated to "Shizaya and Izuo"… etc.

He sighed and leaned back on his swivel chair, feeling a little bit nauseous. He really wondered how those fujoshi minds could have possibly come with things like _that_ and if it was really how they saw him and Shizu-chan through their BL-filtered eyes. Izaya shivered and closed all the R-18 pages.

"Shizu-chan isn't even that big anyway." He muttered.

Then a thought crept into his mind. "Ah I wonder how Shizu-chan would react if he ever knew about _that_…" He smirked, "He would be _so_ mad that he would probably destroyed the computer before even reaching the end, such a protozoan. Or –" Izaya paused, and licked slowly and thoughtfully his lips, "…he would be embarrassed and flustered to death. AH AH, Heiwajima Shizuo killed by BL stuffs, what a pitiful and ridiculous death it would be. Maybe I should send the links to him." He giggled as he turned happily on his swivel chair. "But really who could have thought that Shizu-chan, a twenty-five grown up protozoan, would be so flustered by a simple _kiss_? So unpredictable… ~ Had I know it was the most efficient way to disturb Shizu-chan, I would have done that sooner! Ah~ What a waste of time!"

He hadn't planned to kiss Shizu-chan. It had just been an impulse… Though pretty much anything he was doing with Shizu-chan was the result of an impulse anyway. He had learnt pretty quickly and quite painfully to throw away his plans the moment they become useless and to improvise and listen to his instincts. It was the only way to deal and survive with Shizu-chan.

But really, _that_ reaction was _so_ worth a kiss. And Izaya couldn't wait to see more.

To piss Shizu-chan off Izaya would do pretty much anything after all… even kissing him in front of half-Ikebukuro and trolling his acquaintances into thinking that Shizu-chan and he were an item.

.

~(˘▾˘)~ Shizaya （▼へ▼メ）

.

That night, Heiwajima Shizuo collapsed on his bed and glared at his ceiling, trying very hard not to punch a hole in his wall… Not only had he not been able to have a whole and perfect 'no-violence day', but he had also been humiliated because of that damn flea that he didn't even manage to catch after one hour and a half of non-stop chase. Useless to say that he was _so_ pissed off right now! And then there was one last little thing that irritated him to no end…

_Vrrr…_

_Vrrr…_

_Vrrr… _

_Vrrr… _

… his goddamn phone seemed to be constantly vibrating due to the amount of messages he got since he came back home! He would have probably smashed it after the third one but it was a present from Kasuka so he tried to keep his temper at bay and instead glared at the ceiling.

_Vrrr…_

_Vrrr…_

…

"Thanks god, it stopped." The blond muttered now glaring at his phone, "Let's see…13 new messages in ten minutes, are you fucking kidding me?!"

[From: The flea  
11:20pm

_Ne, Shizu-chan, are you home yet? I wanted to ask you… If vending machines are flowers in your protozoan brain, trash cans are chocolates, street signs are love letters… What is the protozoan equivalent for Ootoro? Please tell me! ] _

Shizuo growled, deleting it immediately.

[From: The flea  
11:22pm

_Here look, someone took a picture of us… This one is quite great, don't you think…Ah! Now that I think about it, was it your first kiss?] _

There, he hesitated for a moment before curiously taking a peek at the picture. Yeah, it _was_ a great one, indeed… Lightly biting his lower lips, he saved the joint picture and deleted the message.

[From: The flea  
11:23pm

_Let me guess… You like the picture, so you save it, but you actually deleted my message, right? So cruel ~] _

Shizuo frowned, irritated that the flea managed to predict his actions so easily and he was about to go back and delete the picture too just to spite him, but then he read the next message.

[From: The Flea  
11:23pm

_It would be a waste to delete it, just to spite me don't you think? Since it's really a good picture…]_

"That's actually quite creepy." The blond muttered, deleting once again the message.

[From: The Flea  
11:24pm

_Not creepy! è.é_]

Shizuo snorted, wondered why the hell that damn flea was complaining about his unpredictability when he was able to creepily read him as if he was an open book, but then he realized something, "Seriously, five messages just from the flea?"  
Thankfully the next one wasn't from him.

[From: Unknown number  
11:25pm

_KYAAHHHHH! I saw the photos of you and Izaiza! I totally knew it but nobody believed me! Congratulations! For how long? Or is it possible that it's a fresh new one? TELL ME! _

_And… And… You so totally top, right, right? Or… don't tell me you are switching because it would be sooo hot! _

_PS: Dotachin gave me your number ;p] _

Shizuo blinked, trying to understand the message but after thirty seconds he decided that it wasn't worth it and deleted it.

[From: Kadota  
11:26pm

_Hey, dude, sorry about Erika, she pressured me into giving her your number… So… Izaya and you, huh? Who would have thought?]_

"Don't give my number to weirdo…" Shizuo complained. And then… "There's nothing between the flea and me, damn it!"

[From: Kasuka  
11:26pm  
_I saw the pictures. Congratulations.] _

"Not you too." He sighed, he would probably have to call his brother tomorrow to clear the misunderstanding.

[From: Tom-san  
11:27pm  
_Ha ha, didn't see that one coming! But now I understand why you didn't had any girls before! :p]_

[From: Celty  
11:28pm  
_Shizuo! I… I don't really like Izaya, but I swear that I'll make an effort for you… And I heard that sometimes you can make your own private ceremony even if it's not acknowledged by the law… But who cares about that? I'm even going to learn how to celebrate it… I think you can learn it on the net… So… Please don't be sad and don't go to America! You can always talk to me, okay? Even if it's about Izaya!]_

"What the hell is she talking about? Why would I go to America? And what ceremony?"

He sighed, his brain only needing a few seconds to understand what was going on. "Probably that damn flea's fault, again." And it was probably a default mode in his brain anyway to blame pretty much anything happening to him on the flea, "I swear I'm going to kiss him for real one day! _KILL_, damn it!"

[From: Simon  
11:29pm

_SHI-ZU-O kiss with I-Za-Ya… Good! Peace in Ikebukuro now! Peace is good! Good make good Sushi! Tomorrow come eat Sushi with Izaya! Sushi good!]_

"What is that even supposed to mean?!"

[From: Unknown Number  
11:30pm

_Um… I asked Celty-san for your number, I hope you don't mind… I'm Sonohara Anri, we met a few times before, but I don't think you remember me.  
I owe you a debt, Heiwajima-san, because you saved my life, and I'm very grateful… So if you have a problem with __**blackmail**__ or anything, please contact me… I'll trying my best to help you!] _

"Who's that again? ARGH! Flea, don't involve people I don't even remember!"

[From: Shinra  
11:30pm

_Sooo you finally decided to make a move, huh? So proud of you, Shizuo-kun… Heard that you were planning to go to the States, though I'm doubting it, but if my Celty said so~  
But don't forget to also buy a ticket for the best man and his wonderful wifey,'kay?  
Ps: If you accidentally kill each other, don't worry, I'll take care of hiding your corpse…]_

_Kill him! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kiss, Kiss, Ki – FUCK! _

Growling, Shizuo picked up his phone again and scrolled down the contact list, stopping when he found the one he wanted.

_Bip… Bip…_

"Ah, Shizu-chan? How surprising for you to call me… Did something happened?"

"Yeah _you_ happened, damn flea. Because of you I receive thirteen weird/incomprehensible/irritating/downright creepy messages in the last ten minutes!"

"It's hardly my fault if you have questionable contacts, Shizu-chan." Izaya stated matter-of-factly.

"Nearly half of them were from _you_." Shizuo shot back.

"Well, most people would agree that I _am _a questionable contact to have, anyway."

"All of them you mean."

"My, my, aren't we particularly witty, tonight…"

"Anyway, it would never have happened if you didn't go and spout I-don't-know-how-many nonsenses… I'm not even talking about the fake rumors that had probably reach all the population of Ikebukuro by now!"

"Who said anything about fake rumors? I'm not the one yelling to the world that I want to kiss my archenemy, am I?"

Shizuo could almost see that stupid smirk spreading on the informant mouth.

"T-that was a misunderstanding!" He choked.

He silently cursed himself for stuttering.

"Really? I mean I know you're an idiot, but… I'll ask anyway to be sure… How can anyone misunderstand 'I'm going to kiss you'? Unless kissing has another meaning in protozoan's language…"

"Fuck you!"

_Shit!_

There was a short silence, then a snort. Damn it, the flea was obviously enjoying it. "Oh my… Ok… So kiss means fuck… But what does fuck mean then? You know I'm really curious about your language… I'm always eager to learn a new language you see, even if I'm afraid that Protozoanish would affect my intelligence in the long run… How about writing a dictionary for me, so I could comprehend how work that diminished brain of yours, ne? Anyway I did ask you about the equivalent for 'Ootoro', but you didn't answer… So what is it?"

"Would you just _shut up_?!" Shizuo snapped. "You're really pissing me off right now! And I swear if I break the phone _Kasuka_ brought me because of you, I'll punch you really, really _hard _on the head!"

"Punch… That means suck, right? What how daring of you, a blowjob right out of the bat… Ha ha… Wah, calm down, Shizu-chan, no need to growl like that, I'm just kidding… You're just so easy to rile up, it's very fun to hear! You should probably do something about that prudish/virgin blushing teenager's attitude of yours…You –"

"Yeah you're right."

"… What?"

"I'm so fucking tired of you distorting all my words and making fun of me. I'm so fucking pissed off that half Ikebukuro (my friends and family included) think that you and I are a couple because of a slip of a tongue! And most of all I'm so fucking mad at myself for being unable to control my own damn mouth!

So I decided… if no matter what I can't control what I'm saying, then I'll just have to accept it! I won't be embarrassed by it anymore!

So you know what? Next time I see you in Ikebukuro, I'm going to _kiss_ you so hard that you'll forget your own name, fuck you in an alleyway even if it isn't the third date (which will never happen by the way) and make you scream my name so loudly that you won't be able to speak or walk straight for a while and _then_ I'm going to kill you and kick your ass back to Shinjuku. And before you ask… Yes, _that's_ the equivalent for Ootoro, you damn flea!"

And he hang up, putting his phone on his drawer and lying back on his bed with a very satisfied smile on his lips. Serves him right!

.

Izaya Σ(ﾟ∀´(┗┐ヽ(.◕ฺˇд ˇ◕ฺ;)ﾉ Shizuo

.

Izaya blinked, looking at his phone in astonishment. One moment Shizu-chan was blushing and really flustered, because of a kiss and a few flirtatious words, and the next he was claiming things like that with such _confidence_.

"How unpredictable…" The brunette commented wryly.

He dropped his phone on his desk and leaned back on his swivel chair, turning it slightly to face the window. He glanced at the night sky with a contemplative expression.

"… that's why I love you so much, Shizu-chan."

_Wait_. _Rewind_.

Izaya nearly fell from his chair as he realized what he had just said out loud. No, no, _no_, he didn't say that, _no way_.

"Hate…" he corrected slowly, "… that's why I _hate_ you so much, Shizu-chan."

Yes that's it… He hated Shizu-chan, he just kissed him because he thought it would have been fun and to observe his lovely humans' reactions, that's all… Yes… And if he wanted to go to Ikebukuro as soon as possible, it wasn't because he wanted Shizu-chan to fulfill his threats, not _at all (_who would want that?), no he just wanted to piss off the blond… And… And –

"Damn Freud!"

**Owari! **

**AN: So what do you think? I was thinking about writing a sequel but I'm not sure...**

**Edit 12/12/14: there's now a sequel called 'The Suspension Bridge Effect', so for those who wanted a sequel, please check it out! **


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